Can I tell you one of the things I find most amazing in this life?
When our experience with a thing or a person is over, regardless of our resistance to it, the Creator ensures it ends.
Letting go of people and circumstances was once one of my weaknesses.
I would think about how difficult the road ahead would be or how much it would hurt the other person involved.
I thought of everyone and everything other than me.
Letting go is hard to do particularly when you have invested years of your life.
Let me tell you about John.
I thought John was the guy of my dreams.
At the time I met him, he was ending a tumultuous relationship with someone else or so he told me.
We began communicating daily and our communication increased to multiple times a day.
We eventually began dating and were soon in a relationship. At the point we entered a relationship, John was supposedly free and unattached.
John was thoughtful, personable and a gentleman. I looked forward to our Saturday outings.
Every Saturday was date night. We would go dancing, out to dinner and sometimes just holding hands while taking a walk.
He would open doors for me to enter establishments, open and close the car door, carry my handbag, buckle my shoes, massage my head while we watched television and so much more.
When we were not together, we would spend hours on the phone. Most nights we spoke for at least an hour prior to saying goodnight. In many instances, we spoke for two to three hours per night. Our conversations were about any and everything. It was a great connection.
As our relationship progressed, John’s actions started to seem “shady”.
As a process improvement professional, I have been trained to notice patterns and behaviors.
I watched these inconsistencies for a while.
As time passed and the patterns became more obvious, I spoke to John about my concerns.
He was adamant I was imagining things or reading too deeply into his actions.
It was at this point that I should have let go of John, but I did not.
It was hard facing the demise of another relationship particularly when we have been taught that we are defined by whether we are in a love relationship or not. I felt uncertain and anxious about rocking the boat.
We have a tendency of rationalizing red flags when we want a relationship so badly. We explain away bad behavior. We make excuses for actions that we should address. We avoid anything that would disrupt our fairytale beliefs.
What would your life be like right now if you had only accepted the red flags that clued you in to the fact that something was wrong in a situation?
Well, a few more months passed that were filled with inconsistent behavior and secrecy.
I decided that as much as I liked John, I needed to complete this relationship by letting him go.
No matter how many times I released him, John continued to call and to come, pleading his love and devotion.
For almost a year of my life, I engaged in this up and down relationship with John until finally one day in December I asked John to please leave me be as I was unsettled in our relationship and did not feel that I could trust him. John finally obliged.
Two weeks later I was sitting in the hair salon talking with my stylist.
We were discussing my recent break-up and how difficult it must have been on the heels of Christmas.
I shared some photos of us with my hair stylist. After looking at the pictures, my stylist sat in the middle of her shop floor saying no way. She looked at me and John was her first cousin’s husband.
Imagine my disbelief. I was hurt deep to my soul because of this deception.
I told her there was no way this man was married. He spent so much time at my home. I could not get home soon enough after work for him to arrive. He would stay well into the night often.
Whenever he left, we would speak the entire time as he drove home and even after he had gotten home, we would still talk for a while.
It was impossible that this man was married.
I felt like a ton of bricks had hit me in the chest.
Have you ever been deceived so deeply?
It turns out that John was a great liar. He had lied to his wife and told her he was traveling for work on the nights he slept at my house.
He would speak to me from his home office at night.
John had a separate house from his marital home; one his father had willed to him when he died. This is where we spent time.
John’s wife was distraught when she discovered his unfaithfulness, but she was also not surprised as her husband had been unfaithful to her in the past.
I was devastated. The man of my dreams was a liar and fraud.
Why did I not let this relationship go when I first noticed those patterns?
My gut was telling me something was wrong so why was I so trusting of John’s words?
Letting go of John equated to failure to me. It was another failed relationship. It was like being abandoned all over again. To avoid dealing with those emotions and feelings it was easier for me to stay with him than face that pain.
Letting go can be difficult.
It could be a love relationship, a family member, a friend, a job, a church, etc. If it is not making you happy, if it is causing you pain, if the situation is unhealthy for you . . . let it go.
After I was hit with the ton of bricks called John’s deception, I garnered the support of my inner circle.
My closest friends rallied around me and in moments of weakness when the tears flowed, they would comfort me and remind me of who I was and whose I was.
Their support helped me through this difficult time.
I had let John go before and he always found his way back in.
The last time I released him the Creator made sure there was no back door in by exposing his other life.
Today, I am in a wonderful loving relationship with a man who honors and respects me. He encourages me to live to my fullest potential and to chase my dreams. He supports me and nurtures me. He loves me.
Although the situation with John hurt me deeply and letting go of him was painful, it was a necessary step for me to have the wonderful relationship I have today.
Tips for letting go:
- Recognize the red flags in any situation.
- Assess your reluctance to let go. What is it rooted in?
- See the situation for what it is and not what you want it to be.
- Identify the lessons the experience taught you.
- Devote & volunteer your time to something larger than yourself.
- Keep your mind on what you can control.
After reading today’s entry, I realize:
Today I want to focus and work on:
Today I will trust that all things work together for my good.
I forgive myself for holding on to negative emotions and baggage.
I forgive myself for holding on to people and situations much longer than I should have.
I accept my past as my past and will pay attention to my gut instincts and to the clues that life provide.
I know that I am strong because of everything I have been through.
I know that letting go does not mean I am losing but rather that I am making room for something better to come into my life.
I am fierce. I am brilliant. I am beautiful. I am amazing. I am an overcomer. I am a Queen.
When you are lonely, what are you most resistant to?
Of the items you were most resistant to, which can you work on?
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